The other night, we had an open house at my oldest daughter’s school which happens to be the same high school I went to. Well sort of, a few years ago the building I attended was torn down and they got a brand new one built and let me tell you it is truly amazing inside. I was pretty excited to be able to see some of my favorite teachers from when I went there, I even got to hug my favorite choir teacher again which warmed my heart so much. However, on the drive home I found myself fighting back tears for a couple of reasons.
The open house made me realize how quickly time has really gone. Not only is my oldest baby now in high school but it also made me really realize how quickly the years have really gone. I am not going to lie, it hit me a little harder than I thought it would. I have been struggling for a while not knowing what path to take in life feeling like I let my younger self down. I had so many hopes and dreams for myself but fear and time kept me from making the leaps I needed to. I was so scared of failure when I was younger that I didn’t even allow myself to try or I was a pro at self-sabotaging and now as a 35 years old I feel stuck. I know 35 is still young and I know that you are never too old to start something new, unfortunately some days the swirling in my head gets so intense it is hard to remember this.
I still have big dreams and goals for the future, yet at times they feel unattainable. They cost money and time that is just not accessible to me at the moment. I am a stay at home mom who nannies part time to help with bills and I have no car of my own since our second car decided it was ready to retire. My days are spent nannying, figuring things out for the family, planning everything, cleaning, cooking and finding what little time I have for me and what I would like to do in the middle of all of it. Every day feels the same and honestly, it hasn’t been the best for my mental health. I use what energy I have left to try and focus on the positive around me but some days the load of it all gets heavy and I slip into the darkness a little and want to hide away in the forest where it is quiet and no one needs me. But in every darkness, comes light even if you have to create that light yourself.
Life may not be what I thought it would be but it is my mission to create a life that lifts my soul up and would make younger me and my girls proud. I am not saying I dislike all aspects of my life, however when it comes to me as an individual, not as a mom or wife I dream of more. I know I am the creator of my life, I give the advice all of the time of “if you do not like your life then change it”. It is time I take my own advice. I have been working a lot on my inner self, healing from the past, growing in the present to be stronger and at peace in the future. It is time to allow myself to create the life I desire, no matter how hard it will be. It is time to get out of my own way and to trust that the universe will provide me with what I need in life. I can close my eyes and envision the life I dream of, I have to release that dream to the universe and start making my plans.
Truth is, life will always have its hard moments. I handle those moments better than I did in the past, that is for sure. However, I do have more goals for my healing that will allow me to not hold onto as much so when the hard moments come I release them before they get too heavy. My inner goddess is kicking and screaming to be released, she doesn’t want to keep letting life pass by as she is trapped inside. I am ready to experience life, to live life. I am ready to stop letting fear of what may or may not happen control me. I am ready to release the judgment of other’s and understand that this is not their life, this is mine and I need to live it for ME! I challenge myself to make something happen before I turn 40 and I plan on sharing my journey here in hopes to inspire other’s to allow their inner goddess/god to shine. So here is to the next 4 years and 2 months, I look forward to seeing the growth and hard work that will happen in that time!
Stay Lifted everyone.
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